I searched for moose kills bear on google this evening.  I had to get to page three before I found a result that wasn’t about bears killing moose.  One linked to something called ‘used apple computers dot com’, a site in which I have the greatest confidence and to which I have already submitted my credit card, banking and social insurance information.  I have in my mind a pirates vs. ninjas sort of competition between these two great beasts of the wild.  Let’s consider some facts.


These suckers are pretty stinking big.  I’ve never been up really close to one but I have seen pictures of them near things of a known height and even allowing for perspective, they’re huge.  I once saw a car try to tango with a deer on a highway and there wasn’t much left of the car.  Take a deer and multiply it by a couple of million years of needing to be bigger than all sorts of carnivores and you get a moose.  I have a feeling that if my Corolla hit a moose while either of us was travelling at even a reasonable speed, I would be picking windshield and engine block out of my teeth for a month and the moose would have done a sort of ‘did you hear that sound?’ to its moose friends.  Based on my admittedly non-scientific survey methodology of asking Amy, a moose can run ‘pretty darn fast but probably slower than a speeding bullet.’  This seems fairly reliable so we’ll go with it.


While also pretty big, bears are not quite the leviathans of the woods that moose are.  They can be around 9’ tall (so like, Goliath-esque).  They seem to spend most of their time asleep or hunting for ‘hunny’ depending on the source of your research.  Honestly any animal that spends most of its time hanging out with pigs, rabbits, kangaroos and small children.  Hardly an imposing creature.  The bear does have an advantage over the majestic moose in one respect.  The bear has claws and is a carnivore.  I’m pretty sure a stream full of bears can strip a cow’s flesh in something under thirty seconds.  They can smell blood in the water from miles away and have been known to follow a family of four across oceans in order to make some money in movie sequels.

I think what we need here are some scientific trials wherein bears and moose are pitted against each other in several trials of strength, endurance and maybe a few rounds of Pictionary.  Then, when everything is all finished, we can work out a system of handicaps for whichever species comes out on top to make the world a fairer place.  For example, bears may keep their claws but moose get to wear armour.  The moose maintain their formidable antlers but the bears are permitted to wear ten gallon hats if they so choose.  I think in the future, the bears and moose will find ways to get along and will probably collaborate on something truly beautiful in the manner of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson performing “The Girl Is Mine.”

so i jumped it and i let you in