The chickens have, as previously noted, begun to lay some eggs.  Total as of this morning was five, though two were smashed either by pecking or by being stepped on.  The surviving egg count is now two brown and one white.  Even though eggs are probably cheaper to buy in the store than it would be to raise chicken at home, I decided to look into whether or not such a thing would be allowed.

I found myself on the Town of Lincoln’s site (note: their site doesn’t work at all in Google Chrome and only sort of works in Firefox), perusing animal related by-laws and I came across this little number (30 page pdf, direct link, you are fore-warned as to its size and any hassles associated due to your dial-up connection are therefore your own).  I wanted to know if we would even be allowed chickens on our property.  It appears that we might be, depending on our zoning.  I would have to speak to someone at the town to confirm one way or the other and I’m really not that interested in doing so.

The Animal Care and Control By-Law is rather an exhaustive document (though the one on the website is apparently out of date, based on some anecdotal evidence shared below).  It concerns what one may and mayn’t do with animals in one’s care.  For example, dog owners must pick up the poop their dogs leave behind on other people’s property.  A revolutionary concept!  One to which people adhere all-to-seldom!  There is a specific allowance made for service animals whose owners cannot physically pick up after them and also for police dogs.  If a big old German Shepherd or Belgian Malinois decides to drop a deuce on your lawn, you say ‘yes sir thank you sir please may I have another’ and go fetch a baggie.

Further down, the by-law has a very, very exhaustive list of animals people are not permitted to keep and this is the bit that boils my blood.  Some of the prohibitions are, I will admit, logical.  I don’t think it would be wise for someone to keep a Komodo Dragon on their property (as it is the world’s largest living lizard).  Likewise, I completely understand that grizzly bears, dingos, cougars, mongoose and cheetahs would not be perhaps the best animals to keep around in the yard (these are all specifically mentioned, by name, in the text of the by-law).

Certain other aspects of the list lead me to believe that we are living in some kind of dictatorship, though.  Pandas are specifically excluded, as are koalas.  Former Mayor Hodgson and City Clerk Kolasa clearly hate cute things!  Also on the verboten list are the following:

  • Gorilla
  • Gila Monster
  • Both the Green and Yellow Anaconda (allowed up to two metres in length but no longer than that or else)
  • The Golden Tegu (just look how friggin’ happy he is)
  • Alligators, caiman and crocodiles (I will have to re-think my moat defenses for sure)
  • Vultures
  • Ostriches, Emus and Kiwis (except those kept as livestock.  No provision made for riding battle ostriches.  Can you believe it?)
  • Scorpions
  • Centipedes

The real kickers, though, come right near the end of the list.  The Town of Lincoln officially, on paper, does not welcome rhinoceri, elephants, wallabies (and other, related marsupials), hippopotami, giraffes, dolphins, whales (honestly has this ever been a problem?) and the beneficent armadillo.  I urge all my fellow townspeople to write angry letters of protest in an effort to allow us the cetaceans we so richly deserve to have.  Thank you for your time.

buy the rights to endless love